Postpartum FAQ’s and Must-Haves
I am currently 10 weeks postpartum when I’m writing this and I wanted to make sure I took to the time to sit down and write this while all the information and thoughts was fresh in my postpartum brain! I often feel like pregnancy is talked about all the time, but postpartum things aren’t discussed as much! I first wanted to talk a little bit about my postpartum experiences with both Knox and Sophie and then also get into some specific questions I’ve received about postpartum “stuff”.
For me, both my postpartum experiences are incredibly different.
For one, Sophie was premature and born in a pandemic so that’ll change things. Postpartum with Knox was hard because he was a more challenging baby. He was colicky and definitely a bit more needy than Sophie is. He had a hard time sleeping since the beginning of his life (he’s perfect now, praise!). Sophie is a much easier baby in that way. PP with Knox was also my first real experience with anxiety. After having him, I really began to experience more anxiety in my daily life. So that was a challenging experience. I was also a first time mom trying to figure out...everything. With Knox I was recovering from an emergency c-section birth experience so there was a lot of grief to navigate through and also the physical side of a cesarean recovery.
With Sophie, my PP challenges have been nearly completely different. I remember feeling so, so happy after Knox was born. Despite everything I just mentioned, I just felt happy.
With Sophie, I have felt more emotionally sad. It could be the pandemic or that she was premature or that we lost a very close family friend days before she was born. Or it could be hormones. Or all of it. Regardless, it’s been a more challenging PP season of trying to get out of a funk some days, or just waking up feeling sad, or simply just crying for no reason. All of these emotions with two littles and a business to run has been pretty exhausting, actually. Don’t get me wrong, I am SO happy she is here and I love her so much it hurts. But in comparison to Knox, the emotions have been much different this time. I definitely have my good days and I’m able to find joy in a lot of things. But I definitely have my moments where I feel like everything is falling apart. Ha. Since anxiety is nothing new to me, I do feel better equipped to deal with it this time around with Sophie. However, the anxiety is a little different with her. She is a rainbow baby and was born 5 weeks early. So, that definitely adds another layer of fear for her life and well-being.
This PP is also different for me in the way of struggling with my PP body. I don’t recall struggling as much as I have PP with Sophie as I did with Knox. After Knox I remember feeling strong and proud for the first time about my body. This time around, I’ve really struggled to feel good in my skin, appreciative of my body, and accept any changes I’ve had. We don’t need to get into all the struggles, but it’s definitely been something I’ve wrestled with and cried over. I’m working to find a healthy mindset and not fall into a cycle of restricting my food or over exercising. I gotta take care of myself and even though some other moms who had a baby when I did might “bounce back” faster (or from what I see on social media *face palm*), that doesn’t mean it has to or needs to be my reality. I’m doing my best, eating healthy, and exercising as much as I can. That’s all I can do. But man, it’s hard some days.
The postpartum experience is different for every mama and if you’re reading this and you’ve recently had a baby, I am sure you have experienced the same and different emotions. There is no perfect way to go through the postpartum experience. It can be beautiful and amazing in many ways, and hard and challenging in other ways. Throw in a pandemic and it’s wild. 2020 mamas, you are amazing. It may not feel like it, but you are.
Next, I wanted to answer some questions I received about postpartum and pregnancy after loss:
Hospital Must-Haves: every mom is going to have a different list, but here are my top items I suggest: button down soft pajamas, haaka, soothie gel pads, snacks, shower supplies, this night light, nursing bra, book or audio book, glasses (if you wear contacts), a polaroid camera and (get the film here) ← [this is one of my all time favorite purchases and worth the investment]!, & a cute blanket to use for pictures of the babe.
Stress of anxiousness management advice for pregnancy after loss: there really is no perfect way to answer this question, because it feels nearly impossible to have zero anxiety after a miscarriage. For me, I had to practice daily surrender to God. I know that might sound weird, but I had to get to a place where I would be okay if the loss happened again. I knew He sustained me through the first loss, so I could overcome a second one if it happened. But, it’s very hard. I recommend having family or friends that you can talk to about your struggles and ask them to check in on you often. It’s okay to ask for help. For me, getting past the first trimester naturally eased a lot of my anxiety and then a lot of prayer and choosing to find joy even if it was hard.
How to be a supportive friend for someone experiencing loss: I love this question so much and I am always so honored to receive this type of DM in my inbox. You will know your friend better than I do, but here’s what people did for us that helped a lot: created a meal train so we could have meals for a few weeks after it happened, self-care basket full of her favorite things like face masks, candy, a new mug or pair of earrings, wine if she drinks it, and maybe a gift card to a local coffee shop. I also suggest checking on her often. I try to check in at least 4 times a week for the first few weeks after it happens to see how she’s doing. She might not want to talk, but knowing you’re thinking of her will mean so much. If your friend has other kids, offer to take them for a few hours. It’s so hard to be grieving so deeply while also trying to keep it together for your kids.
Question about loss--when did your body feel normal? How to cope with weight gain after loss?: This is hard! Every person is going to be different. For me, it took awhile to feel normal because once I knew I had miscarried, it wasn’t for another 2.5 weeks that I actually “lost” the baby. So it was physically very challenging. So in total, probably about a month after we found out we miscarried. Getting back into running and exercise helped me to move on and feel joy in some moments. I was pretty early on when I lost so I hadn’t gained much weight yet. But for me, I really just had to daily practice letting go. I couldn’t control the situation. I couldn’t control that I lost a baby. I couldn’t control that my body was different. So, there was no way I could control my weight in that moment. It’s a hard mental practice, but learning to take deep breaths and say “it is what it is for now” always helps me find moments of peace when I feel anxiety coming on. I wouldn’t say I’m an expert at this, though! Definitely something I am still working through in my postpartum body.
Did you have anxiety while pregnant or PP? Yes. Like I said above, becoming a mom introduced me to anxiety. Unfortunately, anxiety is incredibly common these days. My best suggestion is to have a few people you can talk to when you’re in the “spiral” moments. There are a few people in my life that I call when I feel myself starting to spiral in my mind.
How do you cope with feeling overwhelmed or anxious? Crying, ha. I joke a little bit, but honestly I cry a lot. Which means I feel overwhelmed and anxious a lot. However, my coping mechanisms when I feel these emotions coming on are to try and step out of the situation and think through it with logic. I try to look at the big picture, think through the problem or issue that is causing me anxiety or overwhelm with logic, and sometimes I literally talk to myself out loud to help me find a resolution or peace.
Coping with guilt you have toward less time with your oldest: this is also hard! I still struggle with this! But I’m learning that it’s a good life lesson for him to learn that I cannot be everything to him. It’s a good lesson for him to learn that there are other people in his life that can take care of him. At the same time, I still feel pangs of guilt. I try to have intentional one-on-one time when I can with him and if he wants me to put him to bed, I will hand Sophie off to Joel so I can do that with him. It’s always a dance! And ultimately, I know he will be happier in life to have a sibling to share experiences and life with!
Thank you for reading this with grace and kindness. It’s always vulnerable to talk about postpartum or anything around babies, so I appreciate you being in this vulnerable place with me. Ultimately, I hope you feel more seen and “normal” as you read this post. We all go through differently and I want you to know you are supported! I have some amazing people who have supported and loved me through this season. I hope that for you too.